A vulnerable share you *really* don’t want to miss

I want to tell you a story about young Alyssa

A girl who knew how to get love, feel safe and belong by being the best at what she did

Not by being herself

That was too scary, too risky

No one would like the real Alyssa

She became a master at reading people and knowing how to present the version of herself that each particular person would like

Until she found some very special people she felt safe enough being her weird, brilliant self with

But even then, there were limits to the hiding she could do

It was her senior year of high school and the very first cross country meet of the season

Halfway through the race she realized she couldn’t make it

She spent the summer studying computer science and feminism at Yale and trying desperately to control her growing body

Compulsively weighing herself, making workout routines, not doing said workout routines, feeling bad about herself and binge eating to find comfort

When she landed back home and walked outside to meet her dad at the airport, he immediately commented on her body

Not maliciously, just matter of factly - wow! look at you!

Unsaid but clearly implied — last time I saw you you were 15 lbs lighter and you were a girl, now you’re a woman

I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but I hurt nonetheless

I felt so uncomfortable and ashamed of my pubescent body

All my life I had wanted boobs and a butt and no matter what I did they didn’t come

Finally they showed up but halfway through that race I realized the cost

My body had betrayed me

Heavier than ever, it was so much harder to make it up the hills of my high school cross country course that I used to fly up without a problem

So…instead of facing the pity of my friends, teammates and boyfriend after giving it my all and and still failing — I failed for myself

I rolled my own ankle on the last uphill of the race

I knew I was already way behind where I would have been last year and this way my way of regaining control so I would have an excuse

An excuse for losing

I think this distant memory has been present for me as I’ve had another “failure” experience

For the first time ever, no one enrolled in Radiance Collective!

I’ve been through my whole emotional journey about that but what I’ve realized is this is actually a gift

Much like my cross country failure gave me the opportunity to love my growing body (even if I wasn’t able to do that until now) this recent failure has allowed me to do something I never would have done otherwise!

It’s allowed me to design the program I never knew we needed. Here’s my invitation for you, in the video above.

If you’re ready to claim your seat at the table, get in touch! I’m so excited to welcome you in 😍